Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Losing

Losing weight that is! I started a new class at the gym called body sculpting and it is like the weight is melting off me. In a week I lost 2.5 pounds! I am super excited. I am making a new goal each time I reach one. I just reached my first one that I've been trying to reach for months! So I just set a new one. It will feel weird to see that number on the scale again. I really feel like I can do this. I signed up for loseit.com and it is just a basic budget of calories. I love it. It is part of the reason this is working. I was doing weight watchers but I felt like I was eating too much to lose weight and it wasn't really coming off very fast. Like less than half a pound a week. I will probably go back but I needed to change it up for a minute. I know weight watchers works but it is expensive and loseit.com is free. =) I already pay for the gym. There is only so much I am willing to pay to lose this weight. lol. BUT it is going well so no reason to complain!

Just finished mockingjay, the third in the series The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I recommend this trilogy to EVERYONE! It was so interesting. I loved it. I am currently reading two non-fiction books right now. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and Fallen by Lauren Kate. I am enjoying JA and I've never read one of hers before so it is on my list. I bought Fallen because it was on sale at Barnes and Noble. It is just EH so far. I knew that my luck with awesome books would eventually run out. =D Hopefully it will get better. It just isn't a page turner like Harry Potter or the Hunger Games. I am only on chapter 6 so hopefully it will pick up soon.
I am also reading 2 non-fiction books. Mere Christianity and To Live is Christ. I am taking my time on these so that I can soak in as much info as possible. I am trying to read a chapter of each a night. I love the study on Paul. It is interesting to me. It is a good reminder of things that I've forgotten. She also has some very insightful things to say too. I love Beth Moore's style for sure. Mere Christianity was hard for me to get in to because it seems like CS Lewis likes to babble. I am now on chapter 7 and it is getting very interesting. I am enjoying it and I am glad that I got past those first few chapters. Although, the first few chapters have left their mark on my faith. I find myself thinking about it a lot in relation to how I've always looked at God. I like his logic. I just read a part last night about how people just want to fall for the first lie ever told...that we all want to be our own God. That seems to be what I've kind of had on my heart for awhile now. I mean it isn't just the religions who claim that you can become like God if you are good enough at their religion (first sign a religion is false btw) but that probably there is a little of that in all of us. It can take many forms. I just loved it. I like when I read something that verbalizes my thoughts that I can't verbalize myself.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

We took it down

Last night we took the crib down. Mike took it down actually. I haven't been in the room since he took it down. We put the crib up after we had our first homestudy for Claire. They told us to have a room ready. We kept it up afterwards because we wanted to adopt again but it didnt work out. So then we kept it up because I was babysitting a baby on a regular basis. And now it is down.

The crib was put up in hopes that we would be chosen for a baby and now it is down and it feels like we have given up. =( It is really hurting right now. I just feel so defeated. Every way to adopt makes it so impossible to adopt. Its like i want to mother a child and there are children who want mothers but we can't get to each other because of stupid man made rules, laws, and FEES. We realized that we have to get ANOTHER set of fingerprints done AND another physical. (even though the last physical we did was useless because nothing ever came of it) It is just so frustrating. So we definitely have to wait until after I go to China in March. =( I am content with being a mother to one but oh how my soul aches for another child. There is literally NOTHING I can do. So I took down the crib and it just feels like failure.

BUT I do know that we will continue trying and we will put our stuff in to DHS sometime this year (it just keeps getting pushed back and pushed back) and we will be saving until we are basically in the grave for an overseas adoption. I know that anything is possible with God and I fully intend to let God lead our way through this. There are just times that I want to scream because I dont have the same choices as pretty much every other woman out there. I am put through Hell because my fallopian tubes dont work. Dont get me wrong, I want to be an adoptive mother. I LOVE being an adoptive mother, I would want it NO other way! BUT I hate the fire-y hoops my family and I have to jump through. My whole family has basically no say and someone else decides if we are worthy of one of the MILLIONS of orphans out there. GRR. I am having a bad uterus day. (I must be pms-ing OR ovulating...)

books

I am reading a few books right now. I am a somewhat slow reader but reading 3 at once is sure to slow me down even more. haha. So far this year i have read two books.
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-This book was AMAZING. I cried all the way through it. I loved it so much. The whole series was awesome. The only book I had trouble getting through was The Goblet of Fire but the end of that book set the others up to be the best in the series. I loved the fight against good and evil. It was wonderful.
2. The Hunger games (book 1)- I loved this book as well. So far I am having a lot of luck with books this year! haha. It is right up my alley. It reminds me in a way of 1984 (one of my favorite books of all time). I love the whole idea of the book. It was gritty and that makes me wonder how they are going to make the movie considering it is a young adult book. (yes, apparently there is a movie coming out)

The three books I am reading now are:
1. Mere Christianity- This one I am FINALLY reading after having it in my collection for 10 years! lol. So far I am just kind of bored. I feel bad saying that. Granted I'm only 3 chapters in. =) I'm hoping "book 2" gets more interesting for me.

2. To Live is Christ-This one is by Beth Moore and it is an in depth look in to the life of Paul. So far I am loving it. There have been some profound statements in the book that I like. It is great to see Paul in action from a child on. To soak in what his conversion meant. I really am enjoying this book. I love the way Beth Moore knows her stuff and she has a really amazing way with words to tug at your heart as you read.

3. Catching Fire (hunger games book 2)- So far this book has been very intense with everything that just went down in the first book. I am just so captivated by this book. I literally cannot put it down. It looks like there may be some violence coming soon. I dont want to say too much because I want you to read it. It just reminds me of a few things. One is that I am fed like a person in the Capitol and I sometimes forget about the people who are hungry. Two is that there are places in the world that are like this to a degree (maybe not as harsh) and I shouldn't take my freedom for granted. I could definitely see how the horrid way the Capitol treats the people of the districts could happen if America fell. The carnal displays they create in the districts just to entertain themselves (the wealthy and corrupt government officials)and the fear they have of losing their power. (can you see that already in gov't officials?) There is a love story but it doesnt matter to me as it did in Twilight or some other superficial novel. This story is about the story not about who ends up with who. I LOVE it.

Monday, January 10, 2011

weight watchers

I've been doing weight watchers for less than a week and I am going crazy! I have no scale and I just want to weigh. The only time I did weigh was at my parents house and I was 2 pounds heavier. I am addicted to that scale like it is crack. I'm going though my own sort of withdrawls. It's sick.

So anyway I need to lose 20 pounds or so. I am not sure how this points plus thing is going to work because I feel like I am eating all day long and the scale wasn't kind to me the other day. I mean I eat my points but in between I eat a ton of fruits and veggies and they are all 0pts. I try to have all 5 servings at least then if I want any kind of snack I grab fruit so that it does not impact my points. So I think I must be doing something wrong. But whats the point of making fruit and veggies zero if you can't have all 5 recommended servings (minimum...)? EEK. I am thinking too much of it. I'll let you know if I keep up the gain or if I lose on Wednesday.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

HOW?

How do you forgive the people that consistently hurt you? Or make you feel small and worthless. Like your job doesn't matter and your thoughts don't matter. How do you get past it? Its all fine and dandy to read about forgiveness and how Christ forgave us and how we should forgive others 70x7...but the question is HOW? Did Jesus feel this BITTERNESS of people rejecting him? Did he WANT to forgive them? Where do you find that? How do you even get to the point that you want to let it go? How do you get there when you know that things will never change and you will always be an outsider? What about my feelings? Why do I have to be the one who has to turn the other cheek? WHY AM I THIS WAY? Sometimes I feel so rejected and alone. I guess it is probably how Jesus felt. Even his 12 didn't understand what His purpose was. Why can't I take solace in that? I feel so alone sometimes. I'm sitting there with 20 different people and I am just alone. I don't know what to say. I can't get past the hurt I feel. I need to get past this but I dont even know where to start.