We took it down

Last night we took the crib down. Mike took it down actually. I haven't been in the room since he took it down. We put the crib up after we had our first homestudy for Claire. They told us to have a room ready. We kept it up afterwards because we wanted to adopt again but it didnt work out. So then we kept it up because I was babysitting a baby on a regular basis. And now it is down.

The crib was put up in hopes that we would be chosen for a baby and now it is down and it feels like we have given up. =( It is really hurting right now. I just feel so defeated. Every way to adopt makes it so impossible to adopt. Its like i want to mother a child and there are children who want mothers but we can't get to each other because of stupid man made rules, laws, and FEES. We realized that we have to get ANOTHER set of fingerprints done AND another physical. (even though the last physical we did was useless because nothing ever came of it) It is just so frustrating. So we definitely have to wait until after I go to China in March. =( I am content with being a mother to one but oh how my soul aches for another child. There is literally NOTHING I can do. So I took down the crib and it just feels like failure.

BUT I do know that we will continue trying and we will put our stuff in to DHS sometime this year (it just keeps getting pushed back and pushed back) and we will be saving until we are basically in the grave for an overseas adoption. I know that anything is possible with God and I fully intend to let God lead our way through this. There are just times that I want to scream because I dont have the same choices as pretty much every other woman out there. I am put through Hell because my fallopian tubes dont work. Dont get me wrong, I want to be an adoptive mother. I LOVE being an adoptive mother, I would want it NO other way! BUT I hate the fire-y hoops my family and I have to jump through. My whole family has basically no say and someone else decides if we are worthy of one of the MILLIONS of orphans out there. GRR. I am having a bad uterus day. (I must be pms-ing OR ovulating...)