books and learnin'

Soooo I just finished Bringing up Girls by James Dobson. I wanted it to be better than it was. Basically it was a big book of quotes from other books with a little talk of how Mr. Dobson thinks girls should look. The only thing I really enjoyed about this book was his idea of the princess movement. I have to agree...lets get away from bratz and turn into princesses deserving of a chivalrous prince. I think that pretty much any other parenting book would be better. He went on and on in one chapter about boys...and it was like "I DONT HAVE ANY BOYS"! I probably would NOT recommend this book. I cant get over the talk of colored hair and piercings. (and tattoos) I just dont agree whatsoever with his thoughts on that in relation to sexuality and self esteem. The better title to this book should be James Dobson's 300 pages of quotes from other books.

I'm also in the middle of wuthering Heights. I am still loving it! I know whats coming and the more I read it the more I want to know about Emily Bronte. There is a movie on Netflix that I will probably watch after I am finished with the book. I'm not sure that it will be any good but we'll see.

I have been pretty suspicious that Claire has ADHD so I checked out a book on it and now that I've read it I am not sure that this is what she has. She just has the H part of it I think. haha. The book was called the top 247 questions about add/adhd. There is obviously something going on in her but I just dont know what and I dont know how to find out. I will probably ask at her 4 year old appt. It seems like she is learning to listen a little more each day. I am happy to see progress. She is still the most hyper child in MOST classes she is in and pretty much everywhere she goes. I've only seen one other child as hyper as she is. It is a sensitive subject for me. Parents of kids with hyperactivity (and I'm sure adhd) feel a lot of guilt and shame. I remember being the type of person to see an out of control child and think "that kids needs some discipline" but now I know that sometimes that isnt what the problem is. Trust me, Claire gets disciplined. The strong willed child is a great read for this subject actually. It is pro-spanking but if you dont spank you can just replace the word spank with time out. lol. So Im still not sure what to do about Claire's hyperactivity. I love who she is but she has a hard time functioning in classes. It scares me. I prayed about it the other night and I asked God to give me some advice so I read the Bible and He led me to some scripture on Jesus' healing people. So I took that to mean that God can help her function in class and Ijust need to pray about it. I dont think Claire is broken. I think she is SO intelligent and funny it is just the hyperactivity. She struggles in her dance class, gymnastics, sunday school because of it. I just know that I DO NOT want to medicate her because of this. I'm just not sure that changing who she is to make a teachers life easier is a good idea. I'm not going to do it. This may back into a corner where I have to homeschool. I'm getting ahead of myself. =) I just feel so hopeless sometimes with her. I'm so worried that the experiences pre-adoption may have affected her. I just worry because I want her to have friends and be able to learn in school.

This whole issue I am having brings me to a new point and that is that I think we push out toddlers too hard to be perfect. I heard this one lady say that she makes her 3 year old sit and do her "homework" until she finishes even if that means she sits at the table all day. I mean COME ON! That is very extreme but I think a lot of moms do this. (including me!) I think to myself why does Claire need to know her ABC's right now? She doesn't, she is 3. I just feel pressure because other kids know theirs. But she is learning other stuff right now and she is going through her own special process of learning. So I heard of this book called The Hurried Child and apparently it is about how we force our kids to grow up too fast by pushing them to hurry with their learning and development and sometimes pushing learning too much too soon makes them skip important stages of development. I also have issues with people thinking that their private school kid is so much smarter than the public school kid. I've been to a private school and I'll tell you that it was the worst 2 years of my kid life. I feel like I am an intelligent person and I was public schooled most of my school career. I mean I have nothing against it until people start acting like their kids are smarter or better because of it. That is just silly. I'm just not sure that private school kids turn out any smarter than public school kids. (in books and common sense) I guess I am just feeling a lot of pressure and my kid is just going into PRE-K...IN A YEAR!!!!!! So anyway I have high hopes for the book but my library didnt have it so I have to wait for the person who checked it out to turn it back in. (they are 3 weeks late) Oh and just to say again I DO NOT THINK PRIVATE SCHOOL IS BAD...IT IS GREAT if that is where you want your child to learn. I'm just saying it doesnt make your kid superior to mine or that you or your kid are superior to me because of my public school education. =) I'm also not saying that Claire will never be in a private school. My guess is no but you never know.

Stuff I believe or something...

1. I do not believe anyone can be a "good" enough person to earn their way to heaven. I mean, whats good? ALL people suck sometimes. Yeah some people do things that are worse than others but who decides whats good and how do they decide? What is the point of Jesus if we can be good enough to save ourselves? I just have come to the conclusion that everyone has some very un-good (double plus ungood) in them. EVERYONE. Everyone has the capability to do some very ugly things and let's face it, we all do some ugly things from time to time. I have decided that this idea is TOO HARD. Jesus paid the sacrifice and made it easy. I just dont see how it would've been possible to reach a higher level of existence without a sacrifice from our God. I LOVE the fact that God reaches out to even the worst of sinners. (Paul states that he is the worst but we all know that there is ugly inside everyone. btw..he was a murderer at one point before he found Jesus) i decided a long time ago that living in eternity with God was either easy to achieve or near impossible. I believe that God is love so it has to be easy. According to my Bible that means we just have to accept Him Romans 10:9.

2. We can't ever be God or a god. Its interesting because some people believe this about themselves and dont even realize it. Some "Christians" claim this even though our Bible is clear that there is only ONE God. I personally dont see why you would claim Christianity if you believe you can be a god. Infact in that same Bible it says that there is none like Him and that someone...was thrown from heaven because he thought and made himself out to be greater than God. Its the oldest lie in the book. Its a pretty lie. Who doesnt want to be in control? I am a control freak. I understand where this desire comes from but I am just one tiny little person in a world of billions. I am not God. I am not a god. Nobody should worship me. Who would even want to?? I didnt create anything? Wouldn't it just be better to worship the sinless creator of the universe. (science points more and more to a creator btw)I think a lot of times it can be easy to place yourself as an idol. I just hate to see wonderful people working so hard to be god. I just don't believe it is possible. There is only ONE God.

3. What you believe about the afterlife should be well thought out. Its not about a feeling you have. It should be something you research and study. If a particular religion encourages you NOT to study about what you believe that should be a red flag. I like proof. I like "signs". I have found the truth. It is so important to KNOW what you believe and know WHERE what you believe comes from. What the authors of what you believe thought and how they became believers in that faith. I just dont see how you can be anything (as in Christian, athiest, etc) without understanding what you believe. Emotions and feelings are decieving. They cause us to do all kinds of crazy stuff. They are great but they can't always be trusted. You must enter into this decision based on something more than a feeling. I am obviously a Christian but I have researched Christianity and other religions too. There is a lot of great evidence for Christianity. You should check it out.

I just had this stuff on my mind today. I hope I dont come off as arrogant. I do not want to fight and I certainly dont think I know it all because I do not! I just feel as though I've found Truth! It is exciting even after all these years. The more I study other religions/denominations within "christianity" I feel sad and scared because I see things that are not Biblical or things that are leading people away from God. It scares me. Like I said I dont even begin to think that I know everything AND I am still learning. These are just a couple things that have been on my mind. Its ok if you disagree with me. I still love ya! ;) I just hope and pray that people will research what they do and believe and WHY the do or believe it!

Disney World

I am so ready to go to Disney World! We still have some time before we go so I've been making Claire some short sets inspired by Disney Princesses. I made Tink, Cindarellas work clothes, Ariel, snow white, and jasmine. I am so nervous about taking Claire on the planes. I hate flying so I have to pretend that I love it so that she doesnt freak out. I wish we were going today...None of us have ever been. I'm really hoping to find Malificent and get a picture with her. I hope that I have enough money and that I dont forget anything. =)

So I made some Banana blueberry muffins from the master your metabolism cookbook and they were great! I know that the point is to eat right but they sure have a lot of calories/points. 5 points for one muffin. EEk. Thats a lot when you only get 21 points a day. I am going to start Weight watchers meetings soon. My mom is going to go with me. I just hate that I lost all that weight and now I am back to being big again. I hate my arms. They look like sausages sticking out of my body. I wish they were nicer but I dont know how to fix them. =) haha.

Brownies

So I made my first recipe from the Jillian Michaels Master your metabolism cookbook. So I thought the best recipe to try was brownies. These have honey in them and applesauce so they have a much lower calorie content. They were really great! I ate 3...luckily they are only 86 calories. I could tell that they were "healthy" but they were MUCH better than any other "healthy" brownie I've ever had. I'm looking forward to trying some other recipes. I'm buying ingredients for blueberry banana muffins, toasted oats and tomato soup, spinach with avacado pomegranite and sunflower seeds salad, Chicken salad, Roasted pork stuffed with artichoke feta and black olives, baked ratatouille, and finally Steel cut oats with apples and pecans. Most of the recipes in this book are out of my element so we will see how I like them. I think Mike will like everything because he is not picky. So probably Monday I will try a breakfast and a dinner.

Yesterday I did something I said I'd never do...I bought a pair of leggings. I fell into temptation and got a dress with leggings. And now I need shoes. Gah. I also said I'd never wear skinny jeans...we all know I did that already. I guess I shouldn't say that anymore. Hopefully mom jeans don't come back into style or I'm in trouble. I hope that I look in fashion. I enjoy clothes so much.

Ok...I'm taking a chill pill

I need to calm down from the last blog entry. I'm not too sure why I let the things people say to me get me so upset. It is something I need to work on. I'm just sick of people thinking they can just say whatever they want and do whatever they want to me. Of course if I am rude back I feel bad. UGH! hahahaha.

So on a new note I just watched Julie and Julia. This is not my normal kind of movie. I'm not into "feel good" movies. Usually they are not interesting to me at all. In fact mostly I feel like movies like this are cheesy. BUT I liked it. It kind of makes me want to cook my way through a cookbook. However, I am not willing to pack on the pounds for french cuisine so I am going to start with Master your metabolism by Jillian Michaels. yes, I know there is someone with a blog about this so I am not going to copy. I am just simply letting you all know! =) I just read her book as a matter of fact and let me tell you it taught me things I didnt know. I found it to be very revealing. It prompted me to watch Food Inc. WOW shouldn't have done that because now I've doubled my grocery budget...hahaha. No more eating disgusting for you foods. NO MORE CORN FED BEEF! Chickens with artificial hormones! only buying Organic Milk! I think the milk and meat are double the cost but really when it is all said and done it ends up not being that much over my original budget. I think I may be over by about 50-75 dollars every 2 weeks. Thats with everything being organic and fresh. I have to say though, that it has been a blast to plan our meals and to know exactly what we are putting in our bodies. We've been going as a family to the farmers market. If you live in Norman you are lucky. We have 4 really great stores that cater to people who want to eat right. There is Dodsons (my personal fave), Native Roots (really awesome but a little more pricey), The Earth (kind of hidden place and small but has an amazing selection of organic beans...love it!), and Forward foods (people come from all over the states to have the cheese served there!). There is also a whole foods coming in by Penn Square mall so that is close. We live in a community that caters to those who want to eat the right things. So this should all be very fun. I need to lose about 20 more pounds so we'll see how this mastering of my metabolism goes...
So here is my news. I am not going to publish this blog so you'll have to just happen to read this to know but we are starting the adoption process in Oct! Now we are just going to a seminar so it isnt that exciting but it is pretty cool. We plan to save a few thousand before we start because we want to pay cash. We are thinking Honduras or Ethiopia. I plan to blog all about it once we get there. There will be a blog for ground rules soon. =) I am not going to take crap from people about this issue so if you have a strong opinion about this...keep it to yourself. I'm sure I will go into this more later but really we dont need any negativity. Also, DO NOT TELL ANY ADOPTION HORROR STORIES. I dont want to know. We realize the risk involved in this. We believe that God has a plan and that trumps any horror story. We don't need it. This is already scary enough. haha. Ok well I will write more on the subject later. Unfortunately I feel like I have to set rules because of the things people said when we adopted Claire and when we were going through infertility treatments. Some things said really hurt. I love you guys and I appreciate your support and prayers!

ughhhhhhhhh

I think people think I'm stupid. It's clear to me by the way they talk to me. They just automatically reject my ideas and let me know how it really is. It hurts because I am not stupid. I feel like I can't even talk to some people or give my opinion because I am not college educated (only 1 year under my belt) and because my kid is behind or because I dont have enough experience as a mom or because I dont read enough books. My heart is breaking right now. I just wonder if anyone thinks I am good for anything besides being their personal door mat.

Sooooo...

Tomorrow is the day that we officially pay off our IVF. Our failed IVF. I've known for awhile that this week we would pay it off but I wanted to be sure before I shouted with joy! Its gone forever. I never have to think about that again. Its been such a big part of my life for nearly 4 years now. We got our blood test on October 27, 2006. That was 1.5 months before Claire was born. =) That day I felt hopeless that we would ever have a child. We were driving home from Baptist Medical center and the phone rang and the nurse said "Melinda, I have some bad news." I already knew before she called. I dont know why those words stung so much because I KNEW. I knew while I was on bedrest. It was clear to me what my calling was. But those words PHYSICALLY hurt. I didnt allow myself to cry. I knew that I was going to go see my family and I would have to tell them. They cried. I felt like I had to be strong. I didnt cry until several weeks later. I just cried all day long. I had never felt so hopeless and alone in all my life. I didnt realize then that this would be haunting us for years to come because of the debt we went in to get there. (debt is dumb) Every month money came out of our account and every month I saw that money draft out I was reminded of the worst time I've ever experienced. The lowest I've ever been. I dont even know what it is going to feel like to say goodbye. That is the last piece of this infertility puzzle. We've moved on. We are happy with our life and what our choices are but now it is like we can fully focus on our life the way it was always intended to be now that we can put this hurt behind us. Infertility hurt never really goes away and I'm sure that some months I'll be reminded of that pain but we wont have any more baggage to follow us. Dont get me wrong I love Claire with all my soul and i would NOT want my life any other way. I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be an adoptive mom! It is all I want. Sometimes, though, there are things that I think about and feel guilty and feel bitter about that I will never be able to change. I had 8 embryos that were living at the time of the transfer. The two best were used and the rest were dying. I remember she used the word dying. It hurt so much that day because since my others were dying the two were our only shot. I have 8 babies to say goodbye to tomorrow. I can finally let go and be free. I have really tried not to think of them but just recently I wrote them a letter. I am not sure that I believe that life starts at conception but if it does I know I will see them in heaven.

I had a dream in July of 07 and it was a dream that I believe was from God and it basically was the storm passing. I found out later that it was the same day that Claire's biological parents walked away for the last time. (her storm passed that day too) Its amazing to think that all this happened to us and it brought us together. Everything was perfect and every detail taken care of. Claire was brought to us on Oct. 1. Nearly one year after our IVF. We had our baby. We have our princess. There is no doubt in my mind that DNA has nothing to do with love. Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced adoption. =) They just can't understand. Claire was meant to be mine and as much as it hurt to say goodbye to our 8 babies, I know that if that hadn't happened I would not have my princess in my life. I can't bear that thought. I would go through a million more failed IVF's for her.