Sooooo...

Tomorrow is the day that we officially pay off our IVF. Our failed IVF. I've known for awhile that this week we would pay it off but I wanted to be sure before I shouted with joy! Its gone forever. I never have to think about that again. Its been such a big part of my life for nearly 4 years now. We got our blood test on October 27, 2006. That was 1.5 months before Claire was born. =) That day I felt hopeless that we would ever have a child. We were driving home from Baptist Medical center and the phone rang and the nurse said "Melinda, I have some bad news." I already knew before she called. I dont know why those words stung so much because I KNEW. I knew while I was on bedrest. It was clear to me what my calling was. But those words PHYSICALLY hurt. I didnt allow myself to cry. I knew that I was going to go see my family and I would have to tell them. They cried. I felt like I had to be strong. I didnt cry until several weeks later. I just cried all day long. I had never felt so hopeless and alone in all my life. I didnt realize then that this would be haunting us for years to come because of the debt we went in to get there. (debt is dumb) Every month money came out of our account and every month I saw that money draft out I was reminded of the worst time I've ever experienced. The lowest I've ever been. I dont even know what it is going to feel like to say goodbye. That is the last piece of this infertility puzzle. We've moved on. We are happy with our life and what our choices are but now it is like we can fully focus on our life the way it was always intended to be now that we can put this hurt behind us. Infertility hurt never really goes away and I'm sure that some months I'll be reminded of that pain but we wont have any more baggage to follow us. Dont get me wrong I love Claire with all my soul and i would NOT want my life any other way. I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be an adoptive mom! It is all I want. Sometimes, though, there are things that I think about and feel guilty and feel bitter about that I will never be able to change. I had 8 embryos that were living at the time of the transfer. The two best were used and the rest were dying. I remember she used the word dying. It hurt so much that day because since my others were dying the two were our only shot. I have 8 babies to say goodbye to tomorrow. I can finally let go and be free. I have really tried not to think of them but just recently I wrote them a letter. I am not sure that I believe that life starts at conception but if it does I know I will see them in heaven.

I had a dream in July of 07 and it was a dream that I believe was from God and it basically was the storm passing. I found out later that it was the same day that Claire's biological parents walked away for the last time. (her storm passed that day too) Its amazing to think that all this happened to us and it brought us together. Everything was perfect and every detail taken care of. Claire was brought to us on Oct. 1. Nearly one year after our IVF. We had our baby. We have our princess. There is no doubt in my mind that DNA has nothing to do with love. Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced adoption. =) They just can't understand. Claire was meant to be mine and as much as it hurt to say goodbye to our 8 babies, I know that if that hadn't happened I would not have my princess in my life. I can't bear that thought. I would go through a million more failed IVF's for her.