on fire

So today i was listening to music doing my housework and I started thinking about God and how I wanted to be more faithful in seeking Him. I've been feeling this way for awhile now. Anyway today it occurred to me that maybe I'm not seeking Him but He is seeking me. I feel this pull to Him and it is certainly not due to anything I am doing. Even when I feel so far away from where I need/want to be I am being pulled into worship of Him. It is so weird because I am just mopping and this song comes on by swithfoot called On Fire. This song is so great. You should listen to it. Anyway while I am listening to it I just feel like it is saying exactly what I am feeling inside and it reminds me of all the times I have felt far away and how I feel a longing deep inside for closeness to Him. How as soon as I give in and put in the effort or even before that He is there invoking worship from my heart, filling my soul with Joy. It just shows me again and again his mercy. I fail and He forgives before I even ask. He hears the groaning of the spirit within me. Its incredible to me. His mercy and grace are amazing and I am so undeserving. Here are the words that caused me to worship today.

But everything inside you knows
Says more than what you’ve heard
So much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything you are
Give me one more chance to be... (near you)

Cause everything inside looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I’ll take

When I’m on fire
When you’re near me
I’m on fire
When you speak
And I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

Christmas, birthdays, and new years resolutions

Christmas was great. Me and Christmas have issues sometimes. I know that it is to celebrate christs birth and I love Jesus but to me Christmas in America is not at all about Christ and I am a part of that trend that excludes Jesus from his own bday party. I just always feel like it is wrong because it completely contradicts what Jesus would want. Consumerism is not what Jesus would want. Greed is not what Jesus would want. I mean sure, there are many people that are not this way but as a whole I think Christmas has become something distorted. Plus, the pagan roots surrounding the holiday are hard for me to ignore. So I am to a point where I just want to celebrate Christmas without making it religious and making a point to have a day of reflection of Jesus birthday. I mean if it were me, I wouldn't want people celebrating my birthday this way. I worked retail as a part of a friends and family thing this holiday season and probably 90% of people used a CREDIT card to pay. I hate that. Nobody should have to charge gifts for Christmas. This bothers me. I don't want someone to go into debt to buy me a gift. Well anyway once I make Christmas just a holiday I can relax about it even though the greed, consumerism, and debt makes me INSANE! I dont mean to cut Christ out of Christmas but I just dont feel like it is the respect Christ deserves. I think if we really think about what Christ would want for His birthday (which supposedly was no where near Dec. 25) is for us to be His faithful servants willing to serve where we are needed. So maybe instead of wondering what I am getting next or if I got as much in gifts as so and so I should be focused on serving others. I just feel so lazy because I never follow through on these feelings. I've spent a few years having a lot of dislike for Christmas because of these feelings. I sit here thinking that I am sounding really really judgmental but really I dont think that I have any right to dole out advice on others this is a personal struggle inside of me. It is what I need to do. It is about what is going on with my soul and my personal convictions.
So on the note of gifts...my birthday is in a few days and I am so excited because I am getting a Nook! I have been thinking about getting one for awhile because of my trip to China. I really wanted something to put in my carry on that was light instead of a million books. So I am excited! yay! I can't believe that I will be 27! I am getting old too fast! haha.
So I have a few new years resolutions this year. A lot of people say that they don't do resolutions but I always do. I LOVE to have goals. I like to make lists. I want to be better. I enjoy making resolutions.
1. to seek God. (I've got to get better at spending time with Him) I really feel like I am right at the edge of God using me to do something for Him but I keep being too lazy to ever do it. I want that to change.
2. Work out and lose the last 17 pounds I have. this is obvious. haha.
3. Read 40 books(in addition to Bible reading and study). That may not sound like a lot but I only read when Claire is asleep so I dont have a lot of time so that is a little less that a book a week.
4. Save a set amount (that Mike and I have already agreed on) for our adoption.
5. fix our AC with cash

4.

Simplicity 8953

So here it is! I'm finally all finished with the princess dress! I got it all made up for her and put it on her and she gasped with joy! She kept talking about going to the ball. haha. All I can say is that this dress is perfect for a girl her age! She loves princesses and dressing like a true fairytale princess. I had so much fun with this dress.
The fabric is satin. A dull satin and a shiny satin. At first I was not sure about the color because it was so bland looking but now I am so glad. At the last minute I made a headband for her with some ribbon that matched the dress. It was easy as well. I just hot glued everything. =)

I saw the pattern for this a few years ago and I thought that it looked so hard but beautiful! I'm glad I bought it because now it is out of print. You can still get it though. I can't believe I finally made it! =)

The shoes were from Gap. We loved them as soon as we saw them. When we got ready to take pictures I said "Claire, go get your shoes." and she said,"They aren't shoes, they're glass slippers". That is the fun of all this. I just love that she loves it so much. It was meant to be OVER the top! =)

All I know is that I am just so proud of this dress. It is probably my favorite project ever. I'm glad I saved it. I love the fabric. I love my baby and I love the photographer. I did do a review of the dress pattern and it is here

Taking a break

I am in the middle of a break from sewing. Tomorrow, however, I must buy some ribbon so that I can finish the gloves for Claire's Christmas dress. WE will take pictures soon. I am also getting some lights for the house because Claire really wants some. haha. She is so into Christmas this year. It really makes it hard to be a grinch when she is around. Christmas is so magical to her. =)

So anyway I started reading the Harry Potter series and I'm almost finished with the first book. It is great. I am really enjoying it. There was one little thing that bothered me a bit. It was how the Dursley's are portrayed as boring bigots. I do know that there are people out there that are like this but I must say that being someone who has strong religious convictions, I would hate for people to look at me that way. If they don't like witchcraft that is fine. No need to make them out to be a slimy bigotted character. But really it has nothing to do with Christianity or anything but it just seemed like a lot to me. A lot of making the reader dislike these people who were against witchcraft. It just almost seemed like the author was trying to push her convictions or rather SHOVE them down children who will be reading these throats. Its a little silly probably because other than that part I've really enjoyed it. I am excited to see what happens and I'm also excited to see the movie!

Hurrying

I am reading this book called The Hurried Child by David Elkind and so far it is AWESOME! All of my fears of not living up to the standard of todays culture as far as raising children are being resolved! I love his ideas and it is making me realize that I have made some good choices in regards to Claire. (Praise the Lord! haha) I mean so far it is just talking about how because of our busy American culture we tend to hurry our childre to grow up too fast. Putting them in adult situations even when we don't realize it. We sometimes expect them to know stuff too soon in life, which thwarts their growth! I am so glad to have found this book because I'm finding that maybe I push Claire too hard to grow up too fast. Like why does she need to know her ABC's at 3? She doesnt! She's 3 and when she is ready she'll learn them! It really takes the pressure off. I can't believe how much I push her because I dont want people to look down on me for being "just" a stay at home mom. I've decided that I need to take a look at how I parent and learn to let go a little and let her be a kid because I DON'T want her to grow up too fast. I dont think any parent wants that. There will be more on this subject because often, I think, adults (especially moms) are peer pressured into making their kids perform at the level that other parents SAY their kids perform. If your kid isn't interested in learning their colors or ABC's at 3 then there must be something wrong with your parenting. You must be lazy. Your child must be deficient somehow. I worry too much what people think cause here's the deal: Stay at home moms are BUSY! This is by far the hardest job and most exhausting, thankless job I've ever had. (but worth it and I feel so blessed!) I do not sit on my rear eating candy watching Jerry Springer all day. That's just not how it is but for some reason (and I don't think I am alone here) it seems that people have that perception of us. I guess its from the "oh, I dont think I could just sit around all day"s we get. there is a lot of pressure for our kids to be at the same level as schooled preschoolers. I know one thing for sure, Claire's learning style is different than mine. Her perception of the world is different than mine and from now on I'm going to let her explore at her own pace. =)

So I'm a little overwhelmed. I have a ton of things to do. This includes making crafts for our craft sale to help earn donations to go to China. We are taking some kids with us to China to go teach conversational English at a school. The chinese kids really love it! It was so fun last time. The kids are so sweet. We also will get to see tourist sites in China and bond with the teachers and do things with the kids. We get to do some work that is really fulfilling. So anyway, it is going to be an amazing experience. So anyway we are trying to earn money and so we are having a craft sale. I am making different things as ideas for crafts to make at a party we are having on Friday. I am just completely exhausted from sewing the dress and all these crafts and cutting and picking fabrics. Its fun but I am so exhausted. goodness. Who knew it would be so mentally draining to sew. It's been a very busy week. . Next I am going to make an elf stocking for Christmas decoration. I think it is going to be really cute. Then we are also going to mod podge. I think it will be a really fun party. Some of the girls have never sewn before so I think they will have fun.

The DRESS. Oh my goodness the dress is almost finished and it is so gorgeous. I am very proud of it. I told myself that I wasn't going to show a picture until we had pictures taken but it's so hard not to share it. It is so fancy. The Christmas pictures are going to be amazing. I can't wait to see. I'm scared that it is going to get dirty though since it is such a light color...and satin. I have never been more proud of a sewing project! All I have to do to it is make the gloves and put in the zipper. It is DRAMATIC. wow. Claire loves it too. SHe went up and kissed it yesterday. hahaha.

Adoption is selfish

Yep I read that today from a few people on a post about Chinese adoptions dwindling. It really hurts. Why would someone be so against international adoption? They said it was selfish to take a child out of their culture. OK, so let's leave a child in ,let's say Ethiopia, in an orphanage. Let's leave one of the 6 million in Ethiopia in their culture...without hope, without a chance for a family, without love of a mother. Let's face it, because of poverty and illness in that place there is no way all the children will be adopted. Is it ideal that they get adopted from someone in their country? YES! But is is realistic? unfortunately not. So let's leave them there to die because nobody ever touches them. Let's leave them to age out and continue the cycle of poverty. Let's leave them to get sold into slave labor or into child prostitution. Let's leave them so they never wake up on Christmas morning wondering what "Santa" brought them, so they never graduate elementary school much less high school or college. That's better than being "selfish" and bringing them to America. Yeah, that makes sense. Do people not realize that international adoptive parents have thought about this. About culture. Maybe that is even why they choose to adopt from a particular place. Maybe we've done some research and we plan visits back so that can connect with their culture. We are parents. I am not a perfect person but I know that being a mother is the most selfless job you can ever have. So how is adopting a child overseas selfish? I just can't wrap my head around that statement. These things really hurt. It will probably be something we face for our child's whole life. All we can do is pray. I will not let people bully me into not following Gods plan for us. I will not let people bully my child for being different than us in appearance. It is just hate. Hate and a superiority complex. Who is anyone to decide what is best for someone Else's family. Why can't all adoptive parents band together. It is hard enough being an adoptive parent without having to compete to see who is the most selfless adoptive parent. It is like this weird contest, whoever adopts the most needy child wins and they get to dole out as much unsolicited advice as they can get to come out of their mouths. Why can't we just all be happy when a person adopts through any avenue? I mean a child in need is a child in need. this orphan problem is bigger than us so shouldn't we all rejoice when one child is rescued from that no matter where they are from? I didn't expect it to hurt this much to hear so much negative feedback. I know we are doing what we are meant to do I just didn't expect to already be hearing this much negativity about it, especially from adoptive parents!!! I just wish people would start loving each other instead of making everything a fight. I dont like to get my feelings hurt. haha.

There is no turning back

I sewed the overskirt and underskirt to the bodice. Claire loves it! She gasped when she saw it. That sure makes it worth all the effort. I will put the zipper in tomorrow probably. I am also making gauntlets to match the dress. I am not going to post a picture of it until it is finished and I get some professional pictures taken with Claire in it. Luckily, Mike rocks at taking pictures.

I guess I will post a picture of a skirt I made a few weeks ago. I am pretty proud of it. I like it a lot. It is called the Nie Nie skirt and it is by pink fig patterns. Claire LOVES it. Of course she is my girly girl. (who also likes to climb trees and play in the mud!) It was intense with all the layers but easy. I think the whole process of picking fabric made this project the most fun. Picking coordinating fabrics that were funky. That was a blast! I enjoy seeing her in it. I really love to sew. I'm glad I have something that I love to do sew much. (haha)

Gather, gather and more gather.

Today I gathered the skirt of the fancy dress that I am working on. MAN that thing is gathered. It is incredible. I just basted it today to get a feel for how it is going to look. I am calling it quits for the day. I will probably work more on it either tomorrow or monday. I need to let my brain rest. It is amazing how mentally exhausting sewing is. So far it hasn't been near as difficult as I was expecting but it is probably the most challenging thing I've made. I think that the cording and the gathering has been the most challenging thus far in this project. I actually think that the cording makes the bodice look so professional. I love it! At first I was a little stressed because you can't press satin very well but now that I've actually seen it on Claire it is just right. =)
I can't wait to see it all finished. I tried it on Claire just now and it is a little scary how HUGE it is. It is very fancy. Like cinderella fancy. INSANE! I'm not sure if I love it just yet. I can't wait to see it with the sash and the gloves. When I pulled it onto Claire she gasped. She LOVES it. That makes this whole process worth it. You can just tell that she feels like a princess. So here's to a VERY HUGE and VERY FANCY Christmas dress. (that is cream...yeah...NO COOKIES for her on Christmas..haha... jk.)

Totally immersed

So I am just checking in because I am making this dress for Claire. I am making basically the same one as the live dress in the photo. I bought cream fabric and lace. I have been looking very forward to making this. I am about 1/2 way finished and it has been difficult already. Probably the most difficult thing I've made thus far. I made my own cording, which was a first for me. then I made the bodice. I have done ONE of the overskirt parts and the underskirt and I gathered them and pinned them to the bodice just to see and oh my goodness they are going to be gathered to the MAX. I am going to have to take a picture of the gathered part before I sew it. It is incredible. I have never gathered something this much to fit such a small bodice! wow. I guess that is why this dress is so poofy! haha. Right now I can't seem to envision it because it is all cream. I am anxious to see it all finished because right now it kind of looks boring. I'm second guessing the color. BUT I think that once it is finished it will look elegant and like a dress any little girl would fantisize to have! Claire LOVES dresses and dressing up so she will probably love how poofy it is going to be. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it. haha. I am usually one to just work and work until I am finished but since I want it to look professional I am FORCING myself to take a break and go to sleep. I have to learn to take it one step at a time. I just get so excited to see the finished product. eek! I can't wait! Well more pictures to come!

Purple wool and leopard print

So I threw out my scale. I was addicted to weighing. I'm not sure if that has helped my diet or hurt it. There is a neurotic part of me that loves weighing and competing with myself and that keeps me on track. HOwever, it keeps me on track while I get upset over every pound of water weight. Now that I dont have a scale I only rely on the scale at the gym and the scale at weight watchers. I am not losing weight very fast so I am not sure it is a good thing. I can't seem to get in control. If there is something tempting to eat, it doesnt take much to make me stuff into my mouth. I have lost 3 pounds in like 10 weeks. That isnt good. =( I know that I am not obese but I am overweight and i hate how I feel. A few years ago I got my weight down to 123 and I felt awesome! Why did I let myself get back up to this point. I'm not at my biggest but still. It is frustrating to have to start basically all over.
In other news I made a coat. I never thought I could make a winter coat. I am really proud that I was able to do it. I used pattern McCalls 5525. I originally was going to use a lighter weight black on black leopard print but I couldn't find the right kind of fabric. While fabric shopping I found this purple wool blend and I loved it! I love purple anyway! So I bought it and got started. It took me about 2 weeks but I went camping in that time and I pretty severely injured my shoulder. (its been hurting about 1 month but it is wayyyy better now) so it was slow going but I'm sure I could've gotten it done faster. It was definitely the hardest project I've ever attempted. I've never made a fully lined coat. I did shed a few tears of frustration but I finally finished it. So, it was interesting but now I know and I will be able to make my next one much easier. In fact I already have all the fabric for it. It is black with random sparkles in it. I am going to make the 3/4 length sleeve jacket with it. Well here is the picture...


I actually ordered some leopard ponte that ended up being VERY stretchy. In the picture it didnt look stretchy at all. =( I was disapointed but I did make a jacket out of it. This is a lesson to me to change my serger thread. You'll understand when you see the picture. You just can't cut corners if you want it to look right. Its ok though because I still like the jacket. lol


Next I am making a dress for Claire. It will be the most fancy dress I have ever made her. I really wanted to make an elegant dress for the Holidays for Claire to wear in pictures. I have been saving this dress for 2 years until I had the skill and she was big enough for it. That day is here and I am hoping to have a one of a kind beautiful dress for her. I am making it in champagne. I LOVE the picture they have on the pattern so I am doing just that. I'll keep you posted!

It's been awhile

So it has been awhile since I last posted. I'm going to try to be better.

Here's the scoop. We went to Tulsa to learn about international adoption through Dillon International. We LOVED what we saw and learned there. They are pretty small and just like a little family. It is a family I'd like to be a part of. =) So we've done a little research and I think that when we are ready to take that step that Dillon is going to be our agency. This is huge. We know are praying and thinking over our options. We have a few options that go along with our ages and such. 1. Honduras-this is a new program and they have only one person in the program at the time and have not had any adoptions there yet. It looks amazing but we feel a little intimidated by how new it is. We would never let that stop us if it is God's will though. =) 2.Korea- Korea was closed to adoptions by non-heritage families for a few years. We didn't realize it was available to us now. So it is definitely an option for us! 3. Russia- We meet the age requirements for the Russia program and we are interested but the cost is quite a bit more than the other programs so we aren't sure this is the way for us since we plan to pay cash. 4. Ethiopia- I am putting Ethiopia last because this is where we are currently feeling led to adopt. There are approximately 6 million orphans in Ethiopia. 1 in 10 children die. less than half ever go to primary school. We are feeling a strong leading. We are a few years out though so who knows what will happen in that time. We have a few options that are exciting and honestly any of these places would be just so amazing and we would be thrilled to adopt from any of them. We believe with all our hearts that God's wish for all his children is to take care of orphans and widows. We believe that all orphans deserve a family and it doesn't matter where they are born or what skin color they have. It breaks my heart that some people would discourage others from adopting overseas. Please keep any comments like that to yourselves. I believe that an child in need is a child in need. There is a big need overseas. Should they be adopted from people in their country? absolutely! but if they can't be adopted there or there isn't a big response or ability to adopt there we can give them a life in America. That is an amazing opportunity for us to share our love (and God's love) and support to other countries. All adoptions are different and until you've been through the process you may not really understand why someone may choose to adopt through the avenue they adopt. There is a great need in the world (in America and other countries) and I am SO thankful that this is my path and that I am priveleged enough to get to be an adoptive mother to one child from America's DHS system and one future child from _________ . I am blessed.

I am just really excited. I am ready to start saving. SO here is the plan:we are going to save up enough for the initial everything (everything before the referral of the child) then apply! So there probably wont be a lot on here about our adoption until we have almost saved up the amount we initially need. Soooo...that'll be awhile. hahaha. In the meantime I will show you my sewing projects and whine about various things including my weight loss journey. haha. Thanks for reading!
Mel

9-10-10

so tomorrow I am starting Weight watchers...again. I got down to 123 pounds and I plan to do it again. I'm ready. I really dont have anything else to say.

I've been thinking about the significance of tomorrow and I dread having to think about it. Its been 9 years. I feel very depressed. I wish that never happened. I remember where I was when Andy told me the first plane flew into the tower. WE still thought it was an accident. I was kind of like...ok. So I went to my Sociology class where we were supposed to be talking about extremist groups (coincidence?) and watched that second plane fly into the tower. Talk about chills. We spent the day watching footage at school. Nobody really understood what was going on right away. Why did these people do this? Just the other night I had a dream that I was on the plane that the people overtook and flew into the ground. I wonder how many lives they saved. In the dream I was with Claire and I knew we were going down and we were going to die. I was scared and Claire was starting to panic. I held her close and my heart was pounding. In my dream the plane never crashed but I was in a perpetual state of panic. When we hit MAJOR turbulence on our way home from China I thought we were going to crash and it was terrifying. It seemed like the moment would not end. I just wonder what it was like for all of those people. Did the ones who flew into the towers and the pentagon know they were going to die? I guess they did. Did time seem to stand still as the realized that their lives were over? That their children were about to lose a parent, that their parents would have to bury their child, that they would never get married or have a family or have a career or finish college? what were those last minutes like for them? I just want to protect my little girl from this wicked world but I can't. The world scares me. I shouldn't let it because God is in control but still I wish people would just get along. I mean I can tolerate people who are different from me even if I dont like the choices they make. Why can't everyone? Why is there so much hate? My heart hurts just thinking about the world I'm raising my daughter in. I am just so glad that in the Bible there is a lot of reassurance that this is supposed to happen and vengeance is the Lords. Truthfully I think we are getting close to that day. I'm so glad I'm His.

books and learnin'

Soooo I just finished Bringing up Girls by James Dobson. I wanted it to be better than it was. Basically it was a big book of quotes from other books with a little talk of how Mr. Dobson thinks girls should look. The only thing I really enjoyed about this book was his idea of the princess movement. I have to agree...lets get away from bratz and turn into princesses deserving of a chivalrous prince. I think that pretty much any other parenting book would be better. He went on and on in one chapter about boys...and it was like "I DONT HAVE ANY BOYS"! I probably would NOT recommend this book. I cant get over the talk of colored hair and piercings. (and tattoos) I just dont agree whatsoever with his thoughts on that in relation to sexuality and self esteem. The better title to this book should be James Dobson's 300 pages of quotes from other books.

I'm also in the middle of wuthering Heights. I am still loving it! I know whats coming and the more I read it the more I want to know about Emily Bronte. There is a movie on Netflix that I will probably watch after I am finished with the book. I'm not sure that it will be any good but we'll see.

I have been pretty suspicious that Claire has ADHD so I checked out a book on it and now that I've read it I am not sure that this is what she has. She just has the H part of it I think. haha. The book was called the top 247 questions about add/adhd. There is obviously something going on in her but I just dont know what and I dont know how to find out. I will probably ask at her 4 year old appt. It seems like she is learning to listen a little more each day. I am happy to see progress. She is still the most hyper child in MOST classes she is in and pretty much everywhere she goes. I've only seen one other child as hyper as she is. It is a sensitive subject for me. Parents of kids with hyperactivity (and I'm sure adhd) feel a lot of guilt and shame. I remember being the type of person to see an out of control child and think "that kids needs some discipline" but now I know that sometimes that isnt what the problem is. Trust me, Claire gets disciplined. The strong willed child is a great read for this subject actually. It is pro-spanking but if you dont spank you can just replace the word spank with time out. lol. So Im still not sure what to do about Claire's hyperactivity. I love who she is but she has a hard time functioning in classes. It scares me. I prayed about it the other night and I asked God to give me some advice so I read the Bible and He led me to some scripture on Jesus' healing people. So I took that to mean that God can help her function in class and Ijust need to pray about it. I dont think Claire is broken. I think she is SO intelligent and funny it is just the hyperactivity. She struggles in her dance class, gymnastics, sunday school because of it. I just know that I DO NOT want to medicate her because of this. I'm just not sure that changing who she is to make a teachers life easier is a good idea. I'm not going to do it. This may back into a corner where I have to homeschool. I'm getting ahead of myself. =) I just feel so hopeless sometimes with her. I'm so worried that the experiences pre-adoption may have affected her. I just worry because I want her to have friends and be able to learn in school.

This whole issue I am having brings me to a new point and that is that I think we push out toddlers too hard to be perfect. I heard this one lady say that she makes her 3 year old sit and do her "homework" until she finishes even if that means she sits at the table all day. I mean COME ON! That is very extreme but I think a lot of moms do this. (including me!) I think to myself why does Claire need to know her ABC's right now? She doesn't, she is 3. I just feel pressure because other kids know theirs. But she is learning other stuff right now and she is going through her own special process of learning. So I heard of this book called The Hurried Child and apparently it is about how we force our kids to grow up too fast by pushing them to hurry with their learning and development and sometimes pushing learning too much too soon makes them skip important stages of development. I also have issues with people thinking that their private school kid is so much smarter than the public school kid. I've been to a private school and I'll tell you that it was the worst 2 years of my kid life. I feel like I am an intelligent person and I was public schooled most of my school career. I mean I have nothing against it until people start acting like their kids are smarter or better because of it. That is just silly. I'm just not sure that private school kids turn out any smarter than public school kids. (in books and common sense) I guess I am just feeling a lot of pressure and my kid is just going into PRE-K...IN A YEAR!!!!!! So anyway I have high hopes for the book but my library didnt have it so I have to wait for the person who checked it out to turn it back in. (they are 3 weeks late) Oh and just to say again I DO NOT THINK PRIVATE SCHOOL IS BAD...IT IS GREAT if that is where you want your child to learn. I'm just saying it doesnt make your kid superior to mine or that you or your kid are superior to me because of my public school education. =) I'm also not saying that Claire will never be in a private school. My guess is no but you never know.

Stuff I believe or something...

1. I do not believe anyone can be a "good" enough person to earn their way to heaven. I mean, whats good? ALL people suck sometimes. Yeah some people do things that are worse than others but who decides whats good and how do they decide? What is the point of Jesus if we can be good enough to save ourselves? I just have come to the conclusion that everyone has some very un-good (double plus ungood) in them. EVERYONE. Everyone has the capability to do some very ugly things and let's face it, we all do some ugly things from time to time. I have decided that this idea is TOO HARD. Jesus paid the sacrifice and made it easy. I just dont see how it would've been possible to reach a higher level of existence without a sacrifice from our God. I LOVE the fact that God reaches out to even the worst of sinners. (Paul states that he is the worst but we all know that there is ugly inside everyone. btw..he was a murderer at one point before he found Jesus) i decided a long time ago that living in eternity with God was either easy to achieve or near impossible. I believe that God is love so it has to be easy. According to my Bible that means we just have to accept Him Romans 10:9.

2. We can't ever be God or a god. Its interesting because some people believe this about themselves and dont even realize it. Some "Christians" claim this even though our Bible is clear that there is only ONE God. I personally dont see why you would claim Christianity if you believe you can be a god. Infact in that same Bible it says that there is none like Him and that someone...was thrown from heaven because he thought and made himself out to be greater than God. Its the oldest lie in the book. Its a pretty lie. Who doesnt want to be in control? I am a control freak. I understand where this desire comes from but I am just one tiny little person in a world of billions. I am not God. I am not a god. Nobody should worship me. Who would even want to?? I didnt create anything? Wouldn't it just be better to worship the sinless creator of the universe. (science points more and more to a creator btw)I think a lot of times it can be easy to place yourself as an idol. I just hate to see wonderful people working so hard to be god. I just don't believe it is possible. There is only ONE God.

3. What you believe about the afterlife should be well thought out. Its not about a feeling you have. It should be something you research and study. If a particular religion encourages you NOT to study about what you believe that should be a red flag. I like proof. I like "signs". I have found the truth. It is so important to KNOW what you believe and know WHERE what you believe comes from. What the authors of what you believe thought and how they became believers in that faith. I just dont see how you can be anything (as in Christian, athiest, etc) without understanding what you believe. Emotions and feelings are decieving. They cause us to do all kinds of crazy stuff. They are great but they can't always be trusted. You must enter into this decision based on something more than a feeling. I am obviously a Christian but I have researched Christianity and other religions too. There is a lot of great evidence for Christianity. You should check it out.

I just had this stuff on my mind today. I hope I dont come off as arrogant. I do not want to fight and I certainly dont think I know it all because I do not! I just feel as though I've found Truth! It is exciting even after all these years. The more I study other religions/denominations within "christianity" I feel sad and scared because I see things that are not Biblical or things that are leading people away from God. It scares me. Like I said I dont even begin to think that I know everything AND I am still learning. These are just a couple things that have been on my mind. Its ok if you disagree with me. I still love ya! ;) I just hope and pray that people will research what they do and believe and WHY the do or believe it!

Disney World

I am so ready to go to Disney World! We still have some time before we go so I've been making Claire some short sets inspired by Disney Princesses. I made Tink, Cindarellas work clothes, Ariel, snow white, and jasmine. I am so nervous about taking Claire on the planes. I hate flying so I have to pretend that I love it so that she doesnt freak out. I wish we were going today...None of us have ever been. I'm really hoping to find Malificent and get a picture with her. I hope that I have enough money and that I dont forget anything. =)

So I made some Banana blueberry muffins from the master your metabolism cookbook and they were great! I know that the point is to eat right but they sure have a lot of calories/points. 5 points for one muffin. EEk. Thats a lot when you only get 21 points a day. I am going to start Weight watchers meetings soon. My mom is going to go with me. I just hate that I lost all that weight and now I am back to being big again. I hate my arms. They look like sausages sticking out of my body. I wish they were nicer but I dont know how to fix them. =) haha.

Brownies

So I made my first recipe from the Jillian Michaels Master your metabolism cookbook. So I thought the best recipe to try was brownies. These have honey in them and applesauce so they have a much lower calorie content. They were really great! I ate 3...luckily they are only 86 calories. I could tell that they were "healthy" but they were MUCH better than any other "healthy" brownie I've ever had. I'm looking forward to trying some other recipes. I'm buying ingredients for blueberry banana muffins, toasted oats and tomato soup, spinach with avacado pomegranite and sunflower seeds salad, Chicken salad, Roasted pork stuffed with artichoke feta and black olives, baked ratatouille, and finally Steel cut oats with apples and pecans. Most of the recipes in this book are out of my element so we will see how I like them. I think Mike will like everything because he is not picky. So probably Monday I will try a breakfast and a dinner.

Yesterday I did something I said I'd never do...I bought a pair of leggings. I fell into temptation and got a dress with leggings. And now I need shoes. Gah. I also said I'd never wear skinny jeans...we all know I did that already. I guess I shouldn't say that anymore. Hopefully mom jeans don't come back into style or I'm in trouble. I hope that I look in fashion. I enjoy clothes so much.

Ok...I'm taking a chill pill

I need to calm down from the last blog entry. I'm not too sure why I let the things people say to me get me so upset. It is something I need to work on. I'm just sick of people thinking they can just say whatever they want and do whatever they want to me. Of course if I am rude back I feel bad. UGH! hahahaha.

So on a new note I just watched Julie and Julia. This is not my normal kind of movie. I'm not into "feel good" movies. Usually they are not interesting to me at all. In fact mostly I feel like movies like this are cheesy. BUT I liked it. It kind of makes me want to cook my way through a cookbook. However, I am not willing to pack on the pounds for french cuisine so I am going to start with Master your metabolism by Jillian Michaels. yes, I know there is someone with a blog about this so I am not going to copy. I am just simply letting you all know! =) I just read her book as a matter of fact and let me tell you it taught me things I didnt know. I found it to be very revealing. It prompted me to watch Food Inc. WOW shouldn't have done that because now I've doubled my grocery budget...hahaha. No more eating disgusting for you foods. NO MORE CORN FED BEEF! Chickens with artificial hormones! only buying Organic Milk! I think the milk and meat are double the cost but really when it is all said and done it ends up not being that much over my original budget. I think I may be over by about 50-75 dollars every 2 weeks. Thats with everything being organic and fresh. I have to say though, that it has been a blast to plan our meals and to know exactly what we are putting in our bodies. We've been going as a family to the farmers market. If you live in Norman you are lucky. We have 4 really great stores that cater to people who want to eat right. There is Dodsons (my personal fave), Native Roots (really awesome but a little more pricey), The Earth (kind of hidden place and small but has an amazing selection of organic beans...love it!), and Forward foods (people come from all over the states to have the cheese served there!). There is also a whole foods coming in by Penn Square mall so that is close. We live in a community that caters to those who want to eat the right things. So this should all be very fun. I need to lose about 20 more pounds so we'll see how this mastering of my metabolism goes...
So here is my news. I am not going to publish this blog so you'll have to just happen to read this to know but we are starting the adoption process in Oct! Now we are just going to a seminar so it isnt that exciting but it is pretty cool. We plan to save a few thousand before we start because we want to pay cash. We are thinking Honduras or Ethiopia. I plan to blog all about it once we get there. There will be a blog for ground rules soon. =) I am not going to take crap from people about this issue so if you have a strong opinion about this...keep it to yourself. I'm sure I will go into this more later but really we dont need any negativity. Also, DO NOT TELL ANY ADOPTION HORROR STORIES. I dont want to know. We realize the risk involved in this. We believe that God has a plan and that trumps any horror story. We don't need it. This is already scary enough. haha. Ok well I will write more on the subject later. Unfortunately I feel like I have to set rules because of the things people said when we adopted Claire and when we were going through infertility treatments. Some things said really hurt. I love you guys and I appreciate your support and prayers!

ughhhhhhhhh

I think people think I'm stupid. It's clear to me by the way they talk to me. They just automatically reject my ideas and let me know how it really is. It hurts because I am not stupid. I feel like I can't even talk to some people or give my opinion because I am not college educated (only 1 year under my belt) and because my kid is behind or because I dont have enough experience as a mom or because I dont read enough books. My heart is breaking right now. I just wonder if anyone thinks I am good for anything besides being their personal door mat.

Sooooo...

Tomorrow is the day that we officially pay off our IVF. Our failed IVF. I've known for awhile that this week we would pay it off but I wanted to be sure before I shouted with joy! Its gone forever. I never have to think about that again. Its been such a big part of my life for nearly 4 years now. We got our blood test on October 27, 2006. That was 1.5 months before Claire was born. =) That day I felt hopeless that we would ever have a child. We were driving home from Baptist Medical center and the phone rang and the nurse said "Melinda, I have some bad news." I already knew before she called. I dont know why those words stung so much because I KNEW. I knew while I was on bedrest. It was clear to me what my calling was. But those words PHYSICALLY hurt. I didnt allow myself to cry. I knew that I was going to go see my family and I would have to tell them. They cried. I felt like I had to be strong. I didnt cry until several weeks later. I just cried all day long. I had never felt so hopeless and alone in all my life. I didnt realize then that this would be haunting us for years to come because of the debt we went in to get there. (debt is dumb) Every month money came out of our account and every month I saw that money draft out I was reminded of the worst time I've ever experienced. The lowest I've ever been. I dont even know what it is going to feel like to say goodbye. That is the last piece of this infertility puzzle. We've moved on. We are happy with our life and what our choices are but now it is like we can fully focus on our life the way it was always intended to be now that we can put this hurt behind us. Infertility hurt never really goes away and I'm sure that some months I'll be reminded of that pain but we wont have any more baggage to follow us. Dont get me wrong I love Claire with all my soul and i would NOT want my life any other way. I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be an adoptive mom! It is all I want. Sometimes, though, there are things that I think about and feel guilty and feel bitter about that I will never be able to change. I had 8 embryos that were living at the time of the transfer. The two best were used and the rest were dying. I remember she used the word dying. It hurt so much that day because since my others were dying the two were our only shot. I have 8 babies to say goodbye to tomorrow. I can finally let go and be free. I have really tried not to think of them but just recently I wrote them a letter. I am not sure that I believe that life starts at conception but if it does I know I will see them in heaven.

I had a dream in July of 07 and it was a dream that I believe was from God and it basically was the storm passing. I found out later that it was the same day that Claire's biological parents walked away for the last time. (her storm passed that day too) Its amazing to think that all this happened to us and it brought us together. Everything was perfect and every detail taken care of. Claire was brought to us on Oct. 1. Nearly one year after our IVF. We had our baby. We have our princess. There is no doubt in my mind that DNA has nothing to do with love. Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced adoption. =) They just can't understand. Claire was meant to be mine and as much as it hurt to say goodbye to our 8 babies, I know that if that hadn't happened I would not have my princess in my life. I can't bear that thought. I would go through a million more failed IVF's for her.

something ugly

I just dont even know where to begin. All day yesterday I was thinking about how appearance isnt everything and God has been talking to me about this all week. I definitely don't want to be in the group of people who see someone and think that I am better than them. I dont want to be a part of the group that tears other Christians down either. I want to be able to go into walmart and not judge people becuse of what they are wearing. I am a Christian and I know that those things just dont matter. How you smell doesnt matter. What you wear doesn't matter. How your hair looks doesn't matter. How your body looks doesnt matter. I got a good dose of why not to judge people by their appearance this week. Someone picked on someone I love very deeply yesterday because of their appearance AND Talent. We are talking TWO DIFFERENT CHRISTIANS picked on this person I love and told them he/she wasn't good enough. This person is an amazing person and I love them so much and it hurt me that people were bringing them down. He/She had the potential to go deeper with God last night because we were at church...and I'm not sure he/she was able to shake the 3 horrible and ridiculous things said to them. My heart is just broken. I know that I am called to forgive these people who hurt my loved one but it is so hard because I just don't understand how they could bring down a fellow Christian in this way. I would never intentionally hurt someone. I would NOT go jiggle someones tummy and say they needed to lay off the sodas or I wouldnt go to someone and tell them that their talent just wasnt as good as so and so's. I just can't understand. But one thing I have done in the past is silently judge people based solely on appearance. I hate to admit that. Its embarassing and it hurts me. I guess this week sheds light on a flaw of mine. I don't like to see any of that in myself. I am going to change it because here's the thing. God loves us all. We may be involved in sin but he still loves us. God loves the Christians who persecuted my loved one. God loves my loved one. God loves the people who shop at walmart. Appearances are decieving. I just hope I am not the type of person who would've denied Jesus because he wasn't the great King I was expecting. He was just a carpenter. Maybe he was dirty and had dirt in his fingernails? Would I drop everything and follow him. I hope so. We have got to put a filter on our hearts and mouths. Just because you think something about someone or you have jealousy that makes you want to say something negative to someone doesnt mean you should or need to say it. Filter your mouth and heart. Your stare or words could completely turn someone off to Jesus. It could hurt their self esteem. It could bring them down lower than they already feel. You just dont know what something you say or do could do to someone. I hope people dont think less of me because of my confession but I promise that from this day forward I will be working on it.

I'm reading 3 books right now...

1. Bringing Up Girls by James Dobson. So I have been anticipating this book so much. I love reading about parenting so I couldn't wait to get my hands on this book. Thanks to Dave Ramsey I was too cheap to buy it so I waited to get it from the library. I am only a little past the intro. I am enjoying it so far but there are a few parts that make me roll my eyes. Already hes coming in talking about girls getting piercings and dying their hair. COME ON! Really?? Is this delinquent behavior? I dont think so! I got my belly button pierced at 17 and I didnt do it to be a sex symbol. I wanted to express myself. Why did it have to be in the form of a piercing? I have no clue. I just loved the way it looked and I wanted one and I wanted to express myself in that way. I was a good girl when I was a teen. As far as hair dying, I think anyone who knows me knows that my hair has been every color under the sun. Black, brown, blonde, red,purple, pink, even green (although that was an accident). Sometimes I did temporary colors. Sometimes I want my hair to have some purple in it NOW. I dont think I will do this since I am nearing 30 but still. I do plan to get highlights in a few weeks. I just dont see how having pink hair or a mohawk would make a girl rebellious! give me a break. Its just annoying that according to most old people and some religious people we just all have to fit in the mold. We have to be cookie cutter stepford wives with perfect perky boobs with our aprons on cake in the oven and perfectly molded light brown hair with that big perfect grin on our faces. I dont think that is a good message. I know that I am not that kind of woman. I can honestly say that if Claire came to me at 15 and wanted blue hair...I'd probably let her do something temporary if it was a way for her to express herself. If she wanted to dress like a bratz doll that is where I draw the line. As far as Claire goes hair is no big deal to me as long as it isnt a way for her to tramp herself up. I dont want Claire to get a piercing but do I think girls that have piercings are delinquents?? NOPE. Some of the most cruel people I've met are the people who dont have any piercings and perfect hair and some of the nicest people I've met have mohawks...so I guess I dont really understand what the big deal is about piercings and hair color. I know that my personal relationship with God has not been effected by my navel ring or my pink hair (its brown right now...) In fact I know that God made me the way that I am. He knows that because of who I was as a teenager that I expressed myself on my body. I also think tattoos are just fine as an adult. He hasn't touched on that yet but I'm sure that if pink hair and navel rings are already stressed then tattoos can't be too far off. Overall, however, I am going to love this book and I am still looking forward to the advice Mr. Dobson has.

2. The Christian Athiest by Greg Groeschel. This book is an easy read. It is very basic but a very good reminder to Christians who dont really believe God. The chapters I read last night was about shame and love. I have deep hidden shame that I feel scared that God wont forgive me for. I'll sit here all day and say "oh yeah all sin is forgivable" but when it comes to me I just hate to think about certain things and when I do I just have a hard time believing that I will be forever connected to God. How could I? It was a good chapter to read. The other chapter was love...Gods love for us. It is so easy to say that God loves us but do we really believe it? I learned this a while ago that I have treated God like Santa. He gives me good things when he's happy with me and bad things when He's not. I've found that is not true and so it says in this chapter. I love it. I think that I agree a lot with this pastor's stance on things. I have watched some of his sermons online and they are good. Basically there is nothing that can pull us out of His hands. This would be a great book to give someone who was just starting their Christian walk or for a middle/high schooler. I like it so far. I am amazed at this guys honesty. He's not afraid to admit his past and it is just so refreshing to hear someone who is actually real.

3. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte- I had a hard time getting into this book at first but now I am about 1/4 of the way through and I am starting to fall in love. It just touches me because Cathy's character is so familiar to me. I love this so far the characters are so unique and flawed. Catherine as a child reminds me of Claire so much. So full of life and vibrance. Heathcliff is "adopted" into her family and they love each other from childhood. I guess soulmates (I absolutely hate that word by the way). Heathcliff is hated by his adopted family because the dad showed him favor but once the father dies his relationship with his adoptive siblings deteriorates. It is starting to get good. I love to see the dimensions in his character. I know people like him and I find myself really feeling for him even though he comes off as arrogant at times. It just makes you wonder where the inspirations came for his character. I see him go off and ignore Cathy and show that arrogant side but I know that deep down inside he's hurting and he doesn't know how to show his love for her. I know this flaw. I love that and I see myself and my dad in him. Well so far that is all I've really read of it but so far I love it. I know it is a sad book and I don't know if I will cry. I have only cried in two books. An American Tragedy I cried for about half an hour after I finished that book and the other is My Sisters Keeper in the first few chapters. I probably wont finish that book. I just can't help but think of Claire. I dont want to even think about it. =(

Where do I start?

So this week is a really boring week. I dont have much to say. I will probably save my long rants about stuff that annoys me for another time. haha. No but truthfully this week has been pretty boring so I guess I will just kind of say who I am and why I want to do a blog...
I'm Mel and I am 26. I have a cute little bald husband and a beautiful and VERY hyper little girl. My daughter is almost 4 and she is pretty awesome. We are learning our letters right now. I'm so proud of her. We adopted her 3 years ago on Oct. 1. I feel like God has been preparing me since I was a child to be an adoptive mom but I was surprised to find out that I can't have children. It took me awhile to accept this but I am so thrilled to have this life and to have been chosen to be an adoptive mom. Honestly I just can't imagine how DNA could make a lick of difference in the love you feel for a child. I'm sure this will be the subject of many future rants.
I am a Christian. Not just a "I believe in God Christian" but a "my life is forever changed Christian". That is scary to say that because I am a new creation but some of my glass half empty demeanor comes out sometimes when maybe it shouldn't. I use writing as a way to vent frustration. I am usually a very happy person. So don't take what I say the wrong way and I dont care if you have a different opinion, we can still be friends. =)
So I plan to make this an outlet for myself and just a place I can write about my day and Bible learnin'. See you later.